1. It may be the devil’s day and all, but you lost a lot of respect for The Dark Lord when his minions over at Little Debbie bowed to the P.C. crowd by renaming the Halloween Cupcakes “Fall Party Cakes.”
2. Apparently if the tiniest shard of glass finds its way into a batch of your homemade hardtack, a judge can just go ahead and order the Sheriff to post a deputy in front of your house on trick-or-treat night for the next, like, 24 years. Well, fuck it, then. Damn neighborhood kids can rot their teeth on inferior corporate candy.
3. Evidently the modern parent has no problem with their kid spending 16 hours a day playing shoot-em-up video games, but it’s all “traumatizing” and junk when you greet trick-or-treaters with a freshly disemboweled raccoon stuffed with Snickers bars in one hand and a sawed-off shot gun in the other, right?
4. Your cousin Michael kind of ruined it for the entire Myers clan.
5. You’re generally not one to take anybody’s advice but your own, but Dr. Franklin was quit adamant about that whole “eat one more goddamn Skittle you fat, lazy piece of shit and we’re going to have to take the other foot” thing, so….
6. From the looks of things down at the mall, Halloween is just one more distraction from the holiday we really should be focusing on – Christmas (only 54 more shopping days, people).
7. Still haven’t figured out how to do the monster mash.
8. Church youth group having an awesome non-occult based get together. Seriously, give it a shot. It could be fun. There’ll be punch and everything. Sing a few songs…scripture readings. Yeah, you should probably go get drunk and egg Assistant Principal Evans’ house with the rest of your friends.
9. You're the only black guy in the entire law firm and you're sick and tired of all your colleagues assuming you'll be going as President Obama.
10. Too busy being a goddamned adult, thanks.
11. Dressing as a woman once a year used to be fun, but now that your cellmates insist on your wearing a skirt practically every single day, well....
12. Won't celebrate it again until the people at Oscar Mayer rethink their position regarding your "Halloweenies" idea. (C'mon, cocktail weenies, Halloween parties...I mean, it's pretty fucking obvious, no?)
13. You're an American currently living in Madagascar, trying to lay low amid the civil unrest and abject poverty, and you suspect that going door-to-door dressed up as the Monopoly guy, as is your custom, might be a bad idea. Wussy.
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