12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO GET OFF AT THIS EXIT

1. Make tinkle.

2. Driving makes you crave Fritos. Fritos and anonymous homosexual rest-stop sex.

3. Wait, that sign can’t be right. There’s a Rax here? Are they serious? They still have Rax? Are they serving New Coke?

4. When you woke up this morning you never imagined that this would be the day you’d finally find the courage to stare directly into the face of the dark, endless abyss, but evidently there’s no re-entry from this exit, so….

5. There’s a tunnel coming up and you don’t want these news helicopters to miss a single minute of your latest reality show audition.

6. Best biscuits in the entire tri-county area? That’s a bold claim, Kountry Kettle. But you’ve been burned before. Sometimes you think that your biscuit-loving heart will forever lie shattered on the cold linoleum floor of the Shuntstown Stuckey’s like so many carelessly conducted coffee mugs. But you’re ready to love again. To try, anyway. Be gentle great Kettle.

7. PONY RIDES! PONY RIDES!

8. It’s Dave’s exit. Oh, c'mon. Dave’s a good shit. So he skipped out on that bail you posted for him. He’s always been the flaky one in the group. Let’s just go have a few drinks, right? Look, he’s got a brand new 60-inch plasma and the game starts in…. You don’t know that. Maybe it was on sale. Oh, don’t do that. Don’t get out of the…c’mon.

9. Your nephew insists that the sign said “Superfun sight,” not “Superfund sight.” Fuck it, as long as he wears himself out.

10. Roadside kitsch has never been your thing, but you don’t want it getting back to Father Ken that you passed up a chance to pray before the Virgin Mary Hog Entrails.

11. Book on tape ended.

12. Either that dead moth on your windshield succeeded where your therapist failed and actually helped you understand that Karen just couldn’t go on living with a self-loathing, borderline alcoholic who’s never come to terms with the disappointment of failing to live up to his father’s expectations, or you really need a cup of coffee.

13. You’ve heard tell from many a road warrior that this here Flying J has the kindest truck stop whores this side of Kearney.