1. All your Zubaz are in the wash.
2. Grandpa would have worn one to your funeral if it was you who had drunkenly bet that you could swim across Lake Prospect while dragging a fishing boat full of old car batteries but then had a massive heart-attack just 50-yards from the opposite shore.
3. It’s Sunday morning – what are you, Catholic?
4. Your wife paid a lot of money for these opera tickets; the least you could do is get cleaned-up and tell your 18-year-old Belgian exchange-student girlfriend that she’ll have to get one of her friends to take her to Lamaze class tonight.
5. Appearance is everything in a job interview…especially when your resume is written on the back of a Waffle House placemat.
6. You’re 90% sure that your official Motley Crue “Stink of Love Tour ’87” denim jacket is not the type of jacket to which this restaurant’s “jacket required” sign refers.
7. You believe the old saying “the suit makes the man.” But then again, you also believed that a Democratic President could get a decent health-care reform bill passed by an overwhelmingly Democratic congress at a time when the GOP is less relevant than Juice Newton. I’m just saying.
8. Every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man.
9. You can’t afford to have this jury thinking you’re the kind of guy who would methodically gun-down every dealer, pimp and hustler who ever crossed him on his way to running this town then show up for court dressed like a slob.
10. It’s time the town council started taking your “Armenians are ruining this town” argument seriously.
11. Traditional Southern manners dictate that one hang one-self in the garment in which one wishes to be buried.
12. In spite of your arguments to the contrary, management feels strongly that people are less likely to purchase All State insurance from an agent wearing a “You’re in Good Hands, Motherfucker” t-shirt, than an agent wearing traditional business garb.
13. Old people will write-out a check to anybody who shows up at their door wearing a suit.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (PLUS 1 BAD ONE) TO STAY HOME THIS SUMMER
1. Probation officer pretty much insists on it.
2. Do you have a Target in your town? With an Applebees next to it? Then you’ve seen about 90% of the country.
3. Tired of explaining to airport security that rubbing your hands together while mumbling “he-he-he, ahhhh-ha-ha-ha” is a legitimate nervous tick.
4. Mr. Whiskers mistakes your loafers for his litter box every time you’re gone for more than a day. And why your wife allows crazy old Glen Whiskers live in your basement you’ll never understand.
5. Only motels you can afford are the ones that still brag about offering free HBO…I mean, what is this, 1987? They might as well hang a sign that says “now with 50% fewer bed bugs,” am I right? Cripes, is this the Motel 6 or the Motel 6-6-6? Hello!? Thanks, you've been great.
6. Tote went missing from luggage set.
7. Too embarrassed to have your neighbor collect your mail since you joined “Megan Fox’s Discarded Toenail Clipping of the Month Club.”
8. Disney has closed all theme parks until American Dads stop whining about “five-dollar-a-goddamn-bottle” water.
9. Local radio station announcing Major Summer Concert Event during 4-o’clock hour.
10. Refuse to go back to beach until they abolish totally elitist “cut-offs are not swimwear” policy.
11. If gas gets any more expensive you’ll be forced to shoot your neighbor’s ferret.
12. Wait, that can't be right. Ah, to hell with it; damn weasel has it coming what with gas this high.
13. Acquiring squatter’s rights in this old ladies garage.
2. Do you have a Target in your town? With an Applebees next to it? Then you’ve seen about 90% of the country.
3. Tired of explaining to airport security that rubbing your hands together while mumbling “he-he-he, ahhhh-ha-ha-ha” is a legitimate nervous tick.
4. Mr. Whiskers mistakes your loafers for his litter box every time you’re gone for more than a day. And why your wife allows crazy old Glen Whiskers live in your basement you’ll never understand.
5. Only motels you can afford are the ones that still brag about offering free HBO…I mean, what is this, 1987? They might as well hang a sign that says “now with 50% fewer bed bugs,” am I right? Cripes, is this the Motel 6 or the Motel 6-6-6? Hello!? Thanks, you've been great.
6. Tote went missing from luggage set.
7. Too embarrassed to have your neighbor collect your mail since you joined “Megan Fox’s Discarded Toenail Clipping of the Month Club.”
8. Disney has closed all theme parks until American Dads stop whining about “five-dollar-a-goddamn-bottle” water.
9. Local radio station announcing Major Summer Concert Event during 4-o’clock hour.
10. Refuse to go back to beach until they abolish totally elitist “cut-offs are not swimwear” policy.
11. If gas gets any more expensive you’ll be forced to shoot your neighbor’s ferret.
12. Wait, that can't be right. Ah, to hell with it; damn weasel has it coming what with gas this high.
13. Acquiring squatter’s rights in this old ladies garage.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (PLUS 1 BAD ONE) TO SLIP OUT BEFORE WHAT'S HER NAME HERE WAKES UP
1. It just wouldn’t work, what with her being a Capricorn and you being wanted for murder.
2. You’re 90% sure that’s your Grandmother’s picture on her nightstand.
3. You suspect she’s sobered up enough to realize two things: (a) you’re not Vincent Gallo; and, (b) she has no idea who Vincent Gallo is.
4. Holy crap, is that knuckle hair?
5. It's possible she bought that line about your Seal unit shipping out at dawn, so….
6. She’s definitely going to want to know why you were yelling "Coach” and you’re just not ready to talk about that yet.
7. She asked you to wear her autographed Michael Vick jersey.
8. You worked hard to earn the 1996 Greater Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce “Guy Who’s Always Giving Bridal Shower Attendees the Clap and Then Leaving Before They Wake Up” Award and you’re not going to do anything to tarnish it.
9. Did you get a load of her CD collection? I mean, Third Eye Blind? Seriously?
10. Apparently her idea of foreplay is administering I.Q. and blood tests.
11. Seeing as she’s your court-appointed attorney and all, you’re fairly certain she just violated a whole bunch of, like, cannons of ethics and junk.
12. You’s a straight-up pimp.
13. You know you just gave her the most memorable 37-seconds of her life, so it's only fair she give you her purse, laptop and car keys, right?
2. You’re 90% sure that’s your Grandmother’s picture on her nightstand.
3. You suspect she’s sobered up enough to realize two things: (a) you’re not Vincent Gallo; and, (b) she has no idea who Vincent Gallo is.
4. Holy crap, is that knuckle hair?
5. It's possible she bought that line about your Seal unit shipping out at dawn, so….
6. She’s definitely going to want to know why you were yelling "Coach” and you’re just not ready to talk about that yet.
7. She asked you to wear her autographed Michael Vick jersey.
8. You worked hard to earn the 1996 Greater Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce “Guy Who’s Always Giving Bridal Shower Attendees the Clap and Then Leaving Before They Wake Up” Award and you’re not going to do anything to tarnish it.
9. Did you get a load of her CD collection? I mean, Third Eye Blind? Seriously?
10. Apparently her idea of foreplay is administering I.Q. and blood tests.
11. Seeing as she’s your court-appointed attorney and all, you’re fairly certain she just violated a whole bunch of, like, cannons of ethics and junk.
12. You’s a straight-up pimp.
13. You know you just gave her the most memorable 37-seconds of her life, so it's only fair she give you her purse, laptop and car keys, right?
Thursday, December 25, 2008
12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR
1. Old one starting to smell funny.
2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.
3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.
4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.
5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.
6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.
7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.
8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?
9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.
10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.
11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?
12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.
13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”
1. Old one starting to smell funny.
2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.
3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.
4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.
5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.
6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.
7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.
8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?
9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.
10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.
11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?
12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.
13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”
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