1. These here are get’n too big to cuddle.
2. Any endeavor that not only inspires, but requires a male orgasm is just fine.
3. You didn’t care one bit for that smug urologist who performed your vasectomy, what with his whole “while no physician worth his salt is going to guarantee sterility, nobody’s ever planted a seed after I’ve clipped him” shtick. Well, that jackhole’s underestimated your swimmers for the first and last time, because in 9 months you’re going to march right back down to the Maplewood Reproductive Health Clinic and introduce that taint-shaving bastard to the child you named Exhibit A. As in “Exhibit A” in the malpractice lawsuit that’s going to send you and the misses on one of those Budweiser booze-cruise thingy’s. So long as you can find a babysitter, of course.
4. Everybody’s got to do their part if we’re going to outbreed those crafty Mormons.
5. Seems to work out alright for all those professional basketball players.
6. Mountains of dirty diapers. Rivers of drool. Perpetual unintelligible babbling. Yeah, you’d be wise to spread around the burden of caring for your elderly ass over as many descendants as possible.
7. They’re putting damn-near 300 horses under the hood of them caravans now. I’m just saying.
8. Hours of uninterrupted sleep are for jerks.
9. All in all he’s a pretty shitty clergyman, but there’s no denying that Father Ken is ’93 Michael Jordan around the baptismal font.
10. More spots on the chore wheel! After all, many hands make for short work. And many tiny hands make for a potentially lucrative basement-based garment business if that caseworker doesn’t get too nosey.
11. Three words: Tax credit.
12. Dads the world over have been asking the question for years and gotten absolutely nothing from those adorable little stonewallers, but, nonetheless, you’d like one more shot at finding out exactly, “who’s daddy’s little cutey-wooty?”
13. The producers have informed you that the network is much more likely to pick-up a blended-biracial-family -living-off-the-land-out-behind-Promises-Rehabilitation-Center-in-Malibu-with-Gary-Busey-and-that-asthmatic-handicapped-kid-from-Malcolm-In-The-Middle reality program if there was to be a baby born somewhere around episode #4.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO GET OFF AT THIS EXIT
1. Make tinkle.
2. Driving makes you crave Fritos. Fritos and anonymous homosexual rest-stop sex.
3. Wait, that sign can’t be right. There’s a Rax here? Are they serious? They still have Rax? Are they serving New Coke?
4. When you woke up this morning you never imagined that this would be the day you’d finally find the courage to stare directly into the face of the dark, endless abyss, but evidently there’s no re-entry from this exit, so….
5. There’s a tunnel coming up and you don’t want these news helicopters to miss a single minute of your latest reality show audition.
6. Best biscuits in the entire tri-county area? That’s a bold claim, Kountry Kettle. But you’ve been burned before. Sometimes you think that your biscuit-loving heart will forever lie shattered on the cold linoleum floor of the Shuntstown Stuckey’s like so many carelessly conducted coffee mugs. But you’re ready to love again. To try, anyway. Be gentle great Kettle.
7. PONY RIDES! PONY RIDES!
8. It’s Dave’s exit. Oh, c'mon. Dave’s a good shit. So he skipped out on that bail you posted for him. He’s always been the flaky one in the group. Let’s just go have a few drinks, right? Look, he’s got a brand new 60-inch plasma and the game starts in…. You don’t know that. Maybe it was on sale. Oh, don’t do that. Don’t get out of the…c’mon.
9. Your nephew insists that the sign said “Superfun sight,” not “Superfund sight.” Fuck it, as long as he wears himself out.
10. Roadside kitsch has never been your thing, but you don’t want it getting back to Father Ken that you passed up a chance to pray before the Virgin Mary Hog Entrails.
11. Book on tape ended.
12. Either that dead moth on your windshield succeeded where your therapist failed and actually helped you understand that Karen just couldn’t go on living with a self-loathing, borderline alcoholic who’s never come to terms with the disappointment of failing to live up to his father’s expectations, or you really need a cup of coffee.
13. You’ve heard tell from many a road warrior that this here Flying J has the kindest truck stop whores this side of Kearney.
2. Driving makes you crave Fritos. Fritos and anonymous homosexual rest-stop sex.
3. Wait, that sign can’t be right. There’s a Rax here? Are they serious? They still have Rax? Are they serving New Coke?
4. When you woke up this morning you never imagined that this would be the day you’d finally find the courage to stare directly into the face of the dark, endless abyss, but evidently there’s no re-entry from this exit, so….
5. There’s a tunnel coming up and you don’t want these news helicopters to miss a single minute of your latest reality show audition.
6. Best biscuits in the entire tri-county area? That’s a bold claim, Kountry Kettle. But you’ve been burned before. Sometimes you think that your biscuit-loving heart will forever lie shattered on the cold linoleum floor of the Shuntstown Stuckey’s like so many carelessly conducted coffee mugs. But you’re ready to love again. To try, anyway. Be gentle great Kettle.
7. PONY RIDES! PONY RIDES!
8. It’s Dave’s exit. Oh, c'mon. Dave’s a good shit. So he skipped out on that bail you posted for him. He’s always been the flaky one in the group. Let’s just go have a few drinks, right? Look, he’s got a brand new 60-inch plasma and the game starts in…. You don’t know that. Maybe it was on sale. Oh, don’t do that. Don’t get out of the…c’mon.
9. Your nephew insists that the sign said “Superfun sight,” not “Superfund sight.” Fuck it, as long as he wears himself out.
10. Roadside kitsch has never been your thing, but you don’t want it getting back to Father Ken that you passed up a chance to pray before the Virgin Mary Hog Entrails.
11. Book on tape ended.
12. Either that dead moth on your windshield succeeded where your therapist failed and actually helped you understand that Karen just couldn’t go on living with a self-loathing, borderline alcoholic who’s never come to terms with the disappointment of failing to live up to his father’s expectations, or you really need a cup of coffee.
13. You’ve heard tell from many a road warrior that this here Flying J has the kindest truck stop whores this side of Kearney.
Monday, October 12, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO BOYCOTT HALLOWEEN
1. It may be the devil’s day and all, but you lost a lot of respect for The Dark Lord when his minions over at Little Debbie bowed to the P.C. crowd by renaming the Halloween Cupcakes “Fall Party Cakes.”
2. Apparently if the tiniest shard of glass finds its way into a batch of your homemade hardtack, a judge can just go ahead and order the Sheriff to post a deputy in front of your house on trick-or-treat night for the next, like, 24 years. Well, fuck it, then. Damn neighborhood kids can rot their teeth on inferior corporate candy.
3. Evidently the modern parent has no problem with their kid spending 16 hours a day playing shoot-em-up video games, but it’s all “traumatizing” and junk when you greet trick-or-treaters with a freshly disemboweled raccoon stuffed with Snickers bars in one hand and a sawed-off shot gun in the other, right?
4. Your cousin Michael kind of ruined it for the entire Myers clan.
5. You’re generally not one to take anybody’s advice but your own, but Dr. Franklin was quit adamant about that whole “eat one more goddamn Skittle you fat, lazy piece of shit and we’re going to have to take the other foot” thing, so….
6. From the looks of things down at the mall, Halloween is just one more distraction from the holiday we really should be focusing on – Christmas (only 54 more shopping days, people).
7. Still haven’t figured out how to do the monster mash.
8. Church youth group having an awesome non-occult based get together. Seriously, give it a shot. It could be fun. There’ll be punch and everything. Sing a few songs…scripture readings. Yeah, you should probably go get drunk and egg Assistant Principal Evans’ house with the rest of your friends.
9. You're the only black guy in the entire law firm and you're sick and tired of all your colleagues assuming you'll be going as President Obama.
10. Too busy being a goddamned adult, thanks.
11. Dressing as a woman once a year used to be fun, but now that your cellmates insist on your wearing a skirt practically every single day, well....
12. Won't celebrate it again until the people at Oscar Mayer rethink their position regarding your "Halloweenies" idea. (C'mon, cocktail weenies, Halloween parties...I mean, it's pretty fucking obvious, no?)
13. You're an American currently living in Madagascar, trying to lay low amid the civil unrest and abject poverty, and you suspect that going door-to-door dressed up as the Monopoly guy, as is your custom, might be a bad idea. Wussy.
2. Apparently if the tiniest shard of glass finds its way into a batch of your homemade hardtack, a judge can just go ahead and order the Sheriff to post a deputy in front of your house on trick-or-treat night for the next, like, 24 years. Well, fuck it, then. Damn neighborhood kids can rot their teeth on inferior corporate candy.
3. Evidently the modern parent has no problem with their kid spending 16 hours a day playing shoot-em-up video games, but it’s all “traumatizing” and junk when you greet trick-or-treaters with a freshly disemboweled raccoon stuffed with Snickers bars in one hand and a sawed-off shot gun in the other, right?
4. Your cousin Michael kind of ruined it for the entire Myers clan.
5. You’re generally not one to take anybody’s advice but your own, but Dr. Franklin was quit adamant about that whole “eat one more goddamn Skittle you fat, lazy piece of shit and we’re going to have to take the other foot” thing, so….
6. From the looks of things down at the mall, Halloween is just one more distraction from the holiday we really should be focusing on – Christmas (only 54 more shopping days, people).
7. Still haven’t figured out how to do the monster mash.
8. Church youth group having an awesome non-occult based get together. Seriously, give it a shot. It could be fun. There’ll be punch and everything. Sing a few songs…scripture readings. Yeah, you should probably go get drunk and egg Assistant Principal Evans’ house with the rest of your friends.
9. You're the only black guy in the entire law firm and you're sick and tired of all your colleagues assuming you'll be going as President Obama.
10. Too busy being a goddamned adult, thanks.
11. Dressing as a woman once a year used to be fun, but now that your cellmates insist on your wearing a skirt practically every single day, well....
12. Won't celebrate it again until the people at Oscar Mayer rethink their position regarding your "Halloweenies" idea. (C'mon, cocktail weenies, Halloween parties...I mean, it's pretty fucking obvious, no?)
13. You're an American currently living in Madagascar, trying to lay low amid the civil unrest and abject poverty, and you suspect that going door-to-door dressed up as the Monopoly guy, as is your custom, might be a bad idea. Wussy.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO PUT ON A SUIT
1. All your Zubaz are in the wash.
2. Grandpa would have worn one to your funeral if it was you who had drunkenly bet that you could swim across Lake Prospect while dragging a fishing boat full of old car batteries but then had a massive heart-attack just 50-yards from the opposite shore.
3. It’s Sunday morning – what are you, Catholic?
4. Your wife paid a lot of money for these opera tickets; the least you could do is get cleaned-up and tell your 18-year-old Belgian exchange-student girlfriend that she’ll have to get one of her friends to take her to Lamaze class tonight.
5. Appearance is everything in a job interview…especially when your resume is written on the back of a Waffle House placemat.
6. You’re 90% sure that your official Motley Crue “Stink of Love Tour ’87” denim jacket is not the type of jacket to which this restaurant’s “jacket required” sign refers.
7. You believe the old saying “the suit makes the man.” But then again, you also believed that a Democratic President could get a decent health-care reform bill passed by an overwhelmingly Democratic congress at a time when the GOP is less relevant than Juice Newton. I’m just saying.
8. Every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man.
9. You can’t afford to have this jury thinking you’re the kind of guy who would methodically gun-down every dealer, pimp and hustler who ever crossed him on his way to running this town then show up for court dressed like a slob.
10. It’s time the town council started taking your “Armenians are ruining this town” argument seriously.
11. Traditional Southern manners dictate that one hang one-self in the garment in which one wishes to be buried.
12. In spite of your arguments to the contrary, management feels strongly that people are less likely to purchase All State insurance from an agent wearing a “You’re in Good Hands, Motherfucker” t-shirt, than an agent wearing traditional business garb.
13. Old people will write-out a check to anybody who shows up at their door wearing a suit.
2. Grandpa would have worn one to your funeral if it was you who had drunkenly bet that you could swim across Lake Prospect while dragging a fishing boat full of old car batteries but then had a massive heart-attack just 50-yards from the opposite shore.
3. It’s Sunday morning – what are you, Catholic?
4. Your wife paid a lot of money for these opera tickets; the least you could do is get cleaned-up and tell your 18-year-old Belgian exchange-student girlfriend that she’ll have to get one of her friends to take her to Lamaze class tonight.
5. Appearance is everything in a job interview…especially when your resume is written on the back of a Waffle House placemat.
6. You’re 90% sure that your official Motley Crue “Stink of Love Tour ’87” denim jacket is not the type of jacket to which this restaurant’s “jacket required” sign refers.
7. You believe the old saying “the suit makes the man.” But then again, you also believed that a Democratic President could get a decent health-care reform bill passed by an overwhelmingly Democratic congress at a time when the GOP is less relevant than Juice Newton. I’m just saying.
8. Every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man.
9. You can’t afford to have this jury thinking you’re the kind of guy who would methodically gun-down every dealer, pimp and hustler who ever crossed him on his way to running this town then show up for court dressed like a slob.
10. It’s time the town council started taking your “Armenians are ruining this town” argument seriously.
11. Traditional Southern manners dictate that one hang one-self in the garment in which one wishes to be buried.
12. In spite of your arguments to the contrary, management feels strongly that people are less likely to purchase All State insurance from an agent wearing a “You’re in Good Hands, Motherfucker” t-shirt, than an agent wearing traditional business garb.
13. Old people will write-out a check to anybody who shows up at their door wearing a suit.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (PLUS 1 BAD ONE) TO STAY HOME THIS SUMMER
1. Probation officer pretty much insists on it.
2. Do you have a Target in your town? With an Applebees next to it? Then you’ve seen about 90% of the country.
3. Tired of explaining to airport security that rubbing your hands together while mumbling “he-he-he, ahhhh-ha-ha-ha” is a legitimate nervous tick.
4. Mr. Whiskers mistakes your loafers for his litter box every time you’re gone for more than a day. And why your wife allows crazy old Glen Whiskers live in your basement you’ll never understand.
5. Only motels you can afford are the ones that still brag about offering free HBO…I mean, what is this, 1987? They might as well hang a sign that says “now with 50% fewer bed bugs,” am I right? Cripes, is this the Motel 6 or the Motel 6-6-6? Hello!? Thanks, you've been great.
6. Tote went missing from luggage set.
7. Too embarrassed to have your neighbor collect your mail since you joined “Megan Fox’s Discarded Toenail Clipping of the Month Club.”
8. Disney has closed all theme parks until American Dads stop whining about “five-dollar-a-goddamn-bottle” water.
9. Local radio station announcing Major Summer Concert Event during 4-o’clock hour.
10. Refuse to go back to beach until they abolish totally elitist “cut-offs are not swimwear” policy.
11. If gas gets any more expensive you’ll be forced to shoot your neighbor’s ferret.
12. Wait, that can't be right. Ah, to hell with it; damn weasel has it coming what with gas this high.
13. Acquiring squatter’s rights in this old ladies garage.
2. Do you have a Target in your town? With an Applebees next to it? Then you’ve seen about 90% of the country.
3. Tired of explaining to airport security that rubbing your hands together while mumbling “he-he-he, ahhhh-ha-ha-ha” is a legitimate nervous tick.
4. Mr. Whiskers mistakes your loafers for his litter box every time you’re gone for more than a day. And why your wife allows crazy old Glen Whiskers live in your basement you’ll never understand.
5. Only motels you can afford are the ones that still brag about offering free HBO…I mean, what is this, 1987? They might as well hang a sign that says “now with 50% fewer bed bugs,” am I right? Cripes, is this the Motel 6 or the Motel 6-6-6? Hello!? Thanks, you've been great.
6. Tote went missing from luggage set.
7. Too embarrassed to have your neighbor collect your mail since you joined “Megan Fox’s Discarded Toenail Clipping of the Month Club.”
8. Disney has closed all theme parks until American Dads stop whining about “five-dollar-a-goddamn-bottle” water.
9. Local radio station announcing Major Summer Concert Event during 4-o’clock hour.
10. Refuse to go back to beach until they abolish totally elitist “cut-offs are not swimwear” policy.
11. If gas gets any more expensive you’ll be forced to shoot your neighbor’s ferret.
12. Wait, that can't be right. Ah, to hell with it; damn weasel has it coming what with gas this high.
13. Acquiring squatter’s rights in this old ladies garage.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
12 GOOD REASONS (PLUS 1 BAD ONE) TO SLIP OUT BEFORE WHAT'S HER NAME HERE WAKES UP
1. It just wouldn’t work, what with her being a Capricorn and you being wanted for murder.
2. You’re 90% sure that’s your Grandmother’s picture on her nightstand.
3. You suspect she’s sobered up enough to realize two things: (a) you’re not Vincent Gallo; and, (b) she has no idea who Vincent Gallo is.
4. Holy crap, is that knuckle hair?
5. It's possible she bought that line about your Seal unit shipping out at dawn, so….
6. She’s definitely going to want to know why you were yelling "Coach” and you’re just not ready to talk about that yet.
7. She asked you to wear her autographed Michael Vick jersey.
8. You worked hard to earn the 1996 Greater Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce “Guy Who’s Always Giving Bridal Shower Attendees the Clap and Then Leaving Before They Wake Up” Award and you’re not going to do anything to tarnish it.
9. Did you get a load of her CD collection? I mean, Third Eye Blind? Seriously?
10. Apparently her idea of foreplay is administering I.Q. and blood tests.
11. Seeing as she’s your court-appointed attorney and all, you’re fairly certain she just violated a whole bunch of, like, cannons of ethics and junk.
12. You’s a straight-up pimp.
13. You know you just gave her the most memorable 37-seconds of her life, so it's only fair she give you her purse, laptop and car keys, right?
2. You’re 90% sure that’s your Grandmother’s picture on her nightstand.
3. You suspect she’s sobered up enough to realize two things: (a) you’re not Vincent Gallo; and, (b) she has no idea who Vincent Gallo is.
4. Holy crap, is that knuckle hair?
5. It's possible she bought that line about your Seal unit shipping out at dawn, so….
6. She’s definitely going to want to know why you were yelling "Coach” and you’re just not ready to talk about that yet.
7. She asked you to wear her autographed Michael Vick jersey.
8. You worked hard to earn the 1996 Greater Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce “Guy Who’s Always Giving Bridal Shower Attendees the Clap and Then Leaving Before They Wake Up” Award and you’re not going to do anything to tarnish it.
9. Did you get a load of her CD collection? I mean, Third Eye Blind? Seriously?
10. Apparently her idea of foreplay is administering I.Q. and blood tests.
11. Seeing as she’s your court-appointed attorney and all, you’re fairly certain she just violated a whole bunch of, like, cannons of ethics and junk.
12. You’s a straight-up pimp.
13. You know you just gave her the most memorable 37-seconds of her life, so it's only fair she give you her purse, laptop and car keys, right?
Thursday, December 25, 2008
12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR
1. Old one starting to smell funny.
2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.
3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.
4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.
5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.
6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.
7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.
8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?
9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.
10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.
11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?
12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.
13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”
1. Old one starting to smell funny.
2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.
3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.
4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.
5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.
6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.
7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.
8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?
9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.
10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.
11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?
12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.
13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”
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