1. It just wouldn’t work, what with her being a Capricorn and you being wanted for murder.
2. You’re 90% sure that’s your Grandmother’s picture on her nightstand.
3. You suspect she’s sobered up enough to realize two things: (a) you’re not Vincent Gallo; and, (b) she has no idea who Vincent Gallo is.
4. Holy crap, is that knuckle hair?
5. It's possible she bought that line about your Seal unit shipping out at dawn, so….
6. She’s definitely going to want to know why you were yelling "Coach” and you’re just not ready to talk about that yet.
7. She asked you to wear her autographed Michael Vick jersey.
8. You worked hard to earn the 1996 Greater Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce “Guy Who’s Always Giving Bridal Shower Attendees the Clap and Then Leaving Before They Wake Up” Award and you’re not going to do anything to tarnish it.
9. Did you get a load of her CD collection? I mean, Third Eye Blind? Seriously?
10. Apparently her idea of foreplay is administering I.Q. and blood tests.
11. Seeing as she’s your court-appointed attorney and all, you’re fairly certain she just violated a whole bunch of, like, cannons of ethics and junk.
12. You’s a straight-up pimp.
13. You know you just gave her the most memorable 37-seconds of her life, so it's only fair she give you her purse, laptop and car keys, right?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR
1. Old one starting to smell funny.
2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.
3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.
4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.
5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.
6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.
7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.
8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?
9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.
10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.
11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?
12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.
13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”
1. Old one starting to smell funny.
2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.
3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.
4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.
5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.
6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.
7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.
8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?
9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.
10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.
11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?
12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.
13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”
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