1. Probation officer pretty much insists on it.
2. Do you have a Target in your town? With an Applebees next to it? Then you’ve seen about 90% of the country.
3. Tired of explaining to airport security that rubbing your hands together while mumbling “he-he-he, ahhhh-ha-ha-ha” is a legitimate nervous tick.
4. Mr. Whiskers mistakes your loafers for his litter box every time you’re gone for more than a day. And why your wife allows crazy old Glen Whiskers live in your basement you’ll never understand.
5. Only motels you can afford are the ones that still brag about offering free HBO…I mean, what is this, 1987? They might as well hang a sign that says “now with 50% fewer bed bugs,” am I right? Cripes, is this the Motel 6 or the Motel 6-6-6? Hello!? Thanks, you've been great.
6. Tote went missing from luggage set.
7. Too embarrassed to have your neighbor collect your mail since you joined “Megan Fox’s Discarded Toenail Clipping of the Month Club.”
8. Disney has closed all theme parks until American Dads stop whining about “five-dollar-a-goddamn-bottle” water.
9. Local radio station announcing Major Summer Concert Event during 4-o’clock hour.
10. Refuse to go back to beach until they abolish totally elitist “cut-offs are not swimwear” policy.
11. If gas gets any more expensive you’ll be forced to shoot your neighbor’s ferret.
12. Wait, that can't be right. Ah, to hell with it; damn weasel has it coming what with gas this high.
13. Acquiring squatter’s rights in this old ladies garage.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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