1. It just wouldn’t work, what with her being a Capricorn and you being wanted for murder.
2. You’re 90% sure that’s your Grandmother’s picture on her nightstand.
3. You suspect she’s sobered up enough to realize two things: (a) you’re not Vincent Gallo; and, (b) she has no idea who Vincent Gallo is.
4. Holy crap, is that knuckle hair?
5. It's possible she bought that line about your Seal unit shipping out at dawn, so….
6. She’s definitely going to want to know why you were yelling "Coach” and you’re just not ready to talk about that yet.
7. She asked you to wear her autographed Michael Vick jersey.
8. You worked hard to earn the 1996 Greater Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce “Guy Who’s Always Giving Bridal Shower Attendees the Clap and Then Leaving Before They Wake Up” Award and you’re not going to do anything to tarnish it.
9. Did you get a load of her CD collection? I mean, Third Eye Blind? Seriously?
10. Apparently her idea of foreplay is administering I.Q. and blood tests.
11. Seeing as she’s your court-appointed attorney and all, you’re fairly certain she just violated a whole bunch of, like, cannons of ethics and junk.
12. You’s a straight-up pimp.
13. You know you just gave her the most memorable 37-seconds of her life, so it's only fair she give you her purse, laptop and car keys, right?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
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