12 GOOD REASONS (Plus 1 Bad One) TO CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR


1. Old one starting to smell funny.

2. Won’t have to listen to those smug bastards over at Grace Lutheran go on and on about their damn bicentennial anymore.

3. Odd numbered years luckier than even numbered years, reports State Lottery Commission.

4. Puts one more blessed year between you and those awful events in Travers City.

5. This year can’t be any worse than the last…unless that tumor metastasizes, then you’re fucked.

6. That 2008 Seattle SuperSonics calendar is totally depressing.

7. New town councilmen seated; outgoing councilmen jeered, made-to-wear ill-fitting sweaters.

8. You could use a fresh start…and fresh sheets. Seriously, is that a Rolo wrapper stuck to your pillow case?

9. Word is the folks editing this year’s Metro Area Phonebook are going to make the folks who edited last year’s Metro Area Phonebook look like jerks.

10. Recent revisions to Section 7946(a)(12) of the Interstate Commodities Futures Code take effect at midnight on January 1st. So, you know, get your damn pork bellies straight.

11. This could be your year! Then again, it’s much more likely to be the year of someone important, right? Someone who really has their shit together, you know what I mean?

12. Your broker will finally get off your back about deferring all those earnings until after the first of the year. Unfortunately, you don’t have any earnings and as you’ve long suspected, your “broker” is actually former evening news anchor Ted Thompson, which makes his following you around all year while shouting unsolicited (yet undeniably sound) financial advice all the more unsettling.

13. You got Amy Winehouse in this year's office “Celebrity Death Pool.”